vale[ blog ] diary of the last hollow soul

Today on the bus on the way back to the capital, after reading about thirty pages of Ulysses, i started to think, and what else would pop in my mind than death? (Probably the strange atmosphere of the book has a part in this too.) I wondered what it would be like if someone close to me died. I was lucky enough in the past nineteen years to meet death only once—in third grade a classmate died—so i couldn't really imagine it what it's like. Not as if i'd like to experience it that much…
I rather want to stand prepared when it tries to strike. It's not a nice idea though to think about the death of family members. I wondered how the others would act, and it's not a nice thing at all. Mourning is not that pleasant thing you'd like to partake in every now and then. I realised that if somehow my parents died, i could only stay sane if there was someone beside me, alone no way.
But i wouldn't have written about all this stuff if it wasn't for the plurk, as there a friend is mourning and some people are just senseless and indifferent towards him. It's so strange to see people fighting over that how bad it is to joke if someone's mourning a loss, when i think it's even worse to dishonour that loss by going on swearing and turning against each other, when it'd be a time to collectively support the stricken one.
I wanted to go on about what i'd do in such times, but i have no real idea, so i rather stay quiet.

It's all going to get new meaning. I'm going back and still forward, moving on to a pure next stage, an empty sheet. Lately i've heard it way too much how i changed—for the worse or the better was left unclear, but the situation indicated the former. I couldn't understand that at all, since i hadn't felt anything like that. I was myself, maybe more than ever. But now on the bus home i started to wonder. Was this really me? I'm too alike my blog. I hope i can form myself just that difficult.
What made me think was the word philosophy. I no longer was someone trying to act wise. I was someone acting as a fool. What i meant by being too alike the blog? I changed myself just like last year the blog engine, without any proper planning and work. Just another sketch out of first impressions, and again it took about a year to realise that this won't go how i planned.
I was way too self-confident. I succumbed to the seven sins: lust, pride, sloth, and probably even the other four (envy, gluttony, wrath, greed). I can say i failed my own ideals. I'm working on myself now. Starting over from sketch, with plans behind and goals ahead of me. I really will live a life without regrets now.
But i'm also undecided. It won't be easy. I forgot so much… I thought i was always happy back in the spring… Now i'm so unsure, yet sure in what i want to do…