It’s all going to get new meaning. I’m going back and still forward, moving on to a pure next stage, an empty sheet. Lately i’ve heard it way too much how i changed—for the worse or the better was left unclear, but the situation indicated the former. I couldn’t understand that at all, since i hadn’t felt anything like that. I was myself, maybe more than ever. But now on the bus home i started to wonder. Was this really me? I’m too alike my blog. I hope i can form myself just that difficult.

What made me think was the word “philosophy”. I no longer was someone trying to act wise. I was someone acting as a fool. What i meant by being too alike the blog? I changed myself just like last year the blog engine, without any proper planning and work. Just another sketch out of first impressions, and again it took about a year to realise that this won’t go how i planned.

I was way too self-confident. I succumbed to the seven sins: lust, pride, sloth, and probably even the other four (envy, gluttony, wrath, greed). I can say i failed my own ideals. I’m working on myself now. Starting over from sketch, with plans behind and goals ahead of me. I really will live a life without regrets now.

But i’m also undecided. It won’t be easy. I forgot so much… I thought i was always happy back in the spring… Now i’m so unsure, yet sure in what i want to do…

There is an elementary school just near the dorm where i live. I guess this isn’t worthy of noting except if there is something abnormal about it, but still i’m writing about it. Friday after waking up at the sounds of the fire alarm (people were cooking in their room and their work caught in the pan, setting the alarm off) i sat in the window of the kitchen, waiting for my toast to roast, looking out at the children playing on the school grounds. It just struck me that how free and careless their life is, and how unaware they are of this. At least i was, even in my high school years, only seeing the pile of stuff i had to do, and indeed had done, though in the last year i tried to catch every opportunity to do whatever i can while i’m still officially a “kid”, unconsciously sensing what a strain the university will be. Not as if it’d be that hard. Sure i’ll have to read all the stuff from the past month before the exams, but i think i’ll still have less trouble with that than many of my fellows.

Today walking home in the morning (i once again ended up in the bed of someone not identical to me) i’ve been shocked how great it was to walk on the overpass before it was finished, walking and chatting evening-long with the girl whom i seriously loved… The past year was so great, so free, so careless… I’d be happy to live it again. Sure with minor changes, if i could manage that without causing a butterfly effect.

So boring. So limited. I feel like Szayel Apollo Granz when the poison started to take effect: my body can’t keep up with me. Nor can anything nearby. I know there are people out there who could—but that’s too far away to live like that. I’m bound.

Okay, this doesn’t make any sense. I’m off reading. Way too tired to write.

I’m going crazy, seriously. I think i’m reading too much Vonnegut (Slaughterhouse Five is on the go now), but i don’t care. It’s so funny to get fed up with all this going on around me. I feel the weaknesses, i feel all the limitations of the world, and i hate it. I simply couldn’t break free, because i’m limited too, and as a limitation, i hate that too. Pure logic, kind of the same i learnt today on maths. Sometimes i feel that typical crazy grin crawl on my face. I fear that once someone sees that look on me he’ll be scared for a life (joking). Oh and i’m writing a schizophrenic novel about the rain. You’ll see. I’m planning that to be the first in my book. Hah, i’m really crazy, planning a book, and even more crazy, having dreams. I will live those.